Tldr I hate myself and I deserve to feel that way. Skip over to some other shit I made when I was happy for a couple hours
I get defensive when you bring up family. And I like to remind myself that anyone of them could die in my arms and I would feel no emotions. You being the only exception. But I started wondering: I'm not angry at the people I'm thinking of, so why am I thinking of their death? Not that I want it to happen to them, but why is it the first place my mind goes every time family is brought up. I think about the fact that I'm being defensive about it even when nobody really brings it up. And I realized, I think my brain has been trained to reject family because of everything I went through. And as a result I am mentally and physically repulsed by the mere concept of family. That's a problem. It explains a lot but that's a problem. And an even bigger problem to add on to that: I don't have any desire to fix it. Because no matter how much therapy I do and how much medicine I take, in the end I still hate myself and firmly believe that I deserve to feel this way. Is that factually true? No. Of course I don't deserve to feel this way. Does that make logical sense to me? For some reason no. And I don't know where to start to convince myself that I don't deserve this. Which means I don't know where to start on not being repulsed by family. Which means I am going to feel this way forever. There is no surgery I can get to just change the chemicals in my brain that conduct emotions these ways. Mental illnesses poison me even worse. What's logical to someone else, may be the most retarded thing I've ever heard. And I don't understand so I get angry. I'm sure at some point in my life I won't feel this way. But to ask me to change that, as much as I'd like to, I firmly believe it is impossible. I am in hell. My body is hell. My mind is hell. And nobody is ever going to understand even if they went through similar shit. Nothing will change for me. I like to think that in at least 10 long years Ill be happy, but the concept is so foreign I doubt it. And it definitely won't happen soon. I would love to be proven wrong but until then there is no hope
Gif unrelated
DrunkGecko
Life is a festering vaginal cyst covered in chunks of blood semen and stinky poopoo shid fard. I'm chuckling as I write this but I ain't joking