Memories of you haunt me almost every day I awake

I have twisted fantasies of tearing the skin from your face

Nightmares haunt me ever since I started estrogen

I didn't realize the extent of the trauma I've been suppressing

Dreams of you breaking my spirit and taunting my soul

Beating my naked carcass at eleven years old

And telling me that I am nothing but roadkill

My corpse only serving as a punching bag for you

And you're not the only one haunting me

I can feel my inner child being further raped in my sleep

By one of my many other abusers, a family friend

Someone who got an undeservingly merciful death

I should have been given the embrace of death before him

Because he deserves to remain alive in pain, not me, I'm the victim

I'm the one who continues to suffer a disfigured brain

I'm the one who's being driven mentally insane

This life isn't fair…

And on top of that, after all the abuse I end up in a safe home

But I can't bring myself to love my new mother, I still feel alone

How selfish is it that I can't love the person who gave me life

Do I deserve the life you gave me if living is something I don't like?

My selfish brain chose to dwell on my previous family…

The only person I love is my romantic partner

But knowing they can't hold me makes it so much harder

Why is it only with them that I feel empathy

When my family and friends have only had my sympathy

And how can I learn to share this empathy with myself?

How do I convince myself that I don't belong in hell?

I'm terrified of healing because change is painful

And as much as I push through, my heart still feels fatal