I'm angry. I found out my ex had a one night stand. I'm not angry at them. I'm angry at myself for thinking I have any right to be upset about it. I am sexually intimate with so many people online. He was intimate with only one person. I am so fucking evil for thinking I have any right to be upset. I feel so much guilt after flirting with people. That is literally how the green river killer was. He fucked someone. He felt guilty. He killed them. How much longer until I find out I am a fucking psychopath? How much longer until I finally snap and kill someone? I feel strongly that I'm not capable of that. But I have never been angry during psychosis yet. I'm terrified it will happen someday. I don't want to prevent my ex’s happiness by being upset whenever he fucks someone. I still have deep rooted feelings for him. And if I am going to act so selfish, then I don't deserve to live. I deserve to be raped at gunpoint. I deserve to be lynched. Shot. Stabbed. Killed. I fucking hate myself so much. I want to fucking murder myself. I want to kill myself so violently my body will never be recognized. But I fucking pussy out every goddamn time. Every fucking time. I never fucking get it right. The noose breaks or I pussy out. I can't do anything right. I can't even kill myself correctly. I need to hire someone else to do it. Nobody will ever understand the shit I go through. There is no use in explaining it. There is no reason to put people through my problems and selfishness. I'm so fucking angry at myself and my fucking cunt mother won't let me carve my fucking arm. That whore doesn't understand that I deserve it. She can't accept that because she's not a fucking crazy psychopath with a million retard diseases like I am. I need to find a way to get terminal illness. Or hire a hitman. Or find poison. I fucking deserve it. I fucking need it. I can't go through this fucking bullshit life anymore. I hurt others because I am hurt. I hurt myself because I fucking hate myself. I want to be fucking tortured. I want to die as slowly and painfully as possible. So I can finally gain the excuse to scream out all my fucking pain until I am bleeding from my toxic fucking mouth. God fucking dammit I have nothing to live for. All I do is make shitty fucking music that nobody listens to. Art that isn't even good enough for newgrounds. And work a job where only one person gives a fuck if I live or die. I want to fucking stab myself in the stomach and stare my mother in the eyes as I do it because she needs to feel guilty for putting me on this planet. She should've aborted me. She should've stomped me into guts the second I was born. I will never forgive her for giving me life. I'm so cruel. I'm fucking disgusting. Everybody tells me to love myself. How can I love such a selfish, evil, rotten piece of shit. Nobody sets an example for it. Because nobody fucking loves me in person anyway. And the only person who does love me is my ex. Someone I constantly burden with my insecurities and self hatred. He is someone who deserves to be loved. Not me. I will never amount to anything more than a selfish, narcissistic, psychotic, evil, parasitic fucking tranny. It's no wonder nobody fucking accepts me in person. I'm alone. Why should I keep pretending I'm not. Why should I continue dealing with it. Nobody gives me an exit. I will make one my fucking self no matter how long it takes