How did that happen 💕

I can feel the creative juices flowing through my cock

I'm angry. I found out my ex had a one night stand. I'm not angry at them. I'm angry at myself for thinking I have any right to be upset about it. I am sexually intimate with so many people online. He was intimate with only one person. I am so fucking evil for thinking I have any right to be upset. I feel so much guilt after flirting with people. That is literally how the green river killer was. He fucked someone. He felt guilty. He killed them. How much longer until I find out I am a fucking psychopath? How much longer until I finally snap and kill someone? I feel strongly that I'm not capable of that. But I have never been angry during psychosis yet. I'm terrified it will happen someday. I don't want to prevent my ex’s happiness by being upset whenever he fucks someone. I still have deep rooted feelings for him. And if I am going to act so selfish, then I don't deserve to live. I deserve to be raped at gunpoint. I deserve to be lynched. Shot. Stabbed. Killed. I fucking hate myself so much. I want to fucking murder myself. I want to kill myself so violently my body will never be recognized. But I fucking pussy out every goddamn time. Every fucking time. I never fucking get it right. The noose breaks or I pussy out. I can't do anything right. I can't even kill myself correctly. I need to hire someone else to do it. Nobody will ever understand the shit I go through. There is no use in explaining it. There is no reason to put people through my problems and selfishness. I'm so fucking angry at myself and my fucking cunt mother won't let me carve my fucking arm. That whore doesn't understand that I deserve it. She can't accept that because she's not a fucking crazy psychopath with a million retard diseases like I am. I need to find a way to get terminal illness. Or hire a hitman. Or find poison. I fucking deserve it. I fucking need it. I can't go through this fucking bullshit life anymore. I hurt others because I am hurt. I hurt myself because I fucking hate myself. I want to be fucking tortured. I want to die as slowly and painfully as possible. So I can finally gain the excuse to scream out all my fucking pain until I am bleeding from my toxic fucking mouth. God fucking dammit I have nothing to live for. All I do is make shitty fucking music that nobody listens to. Art that isn't even good enough for newgrounds. And work a job where only one person gives a fuck if I live or die. I want to fucking stab myself in the stomach and stare my mother in the eyes as I do it because she needs to feel guilty for putting me on this planet. She should've aborted me. She should've stomped me into guts the second I was born. I will never forgive her for giving me life. I'm so cruel. I'm fucking disgusting. Everybody tells me to love myself. How can I love such a selfish, evil, rotten piece of shit. Nobody sets an example for it. Because nobody fucking loves me in person anyway. And the only person who does love me is my ex. Someone I constantly burden with my insecurities and self hatred. He is someone who deserves to be loved. Not me. I will never amount to anything more than a selfish, narcissistic, psychotic, evil, parasitic fucking tranny. It's no wonder nobody fucking accepts me in person. I'm alone. Why should I keep pretending I'm not. Why should I continue dealing with it. Nobody gives me an exit. I will make one my fucking self no matter how long it takes

i hate myself. i hate my life. i feel so alone. i want to tear out every organ i have, and break all my bones, until i am a mangled pile of gore. all i want is to be happy for one day, but it never ends. i do all i can to distract myself from these feelings and they come back no matter what i do almost immediately. i dont know what else to do. i dont know who else to reach out to. im so tired of crying everyday. im so tired of hating myself. im so tired of living. the only thing stopping me is cowardice. i will never be cured. and i dont have the guts to just kill myself like i deserve. i just suffer my entire life until i die of age or some accident happens. if i knew how, i would just hire a hitman to kill me. because christ knows i fucking cant get it right myself. I've reached out to 17 people and not a single one gave me more than an "I'm sorry" most didn't even respond. and my last option is to vent here. not that any 977 of you would give a fuck about my emotions. Every time I look at a picture of my smile. All I imagine is that image on my obituary. Every picture I take of me smiling. Even if i only took the picture 5 minutes ago. When I look at it, it feels like it has been years since it was taken. I'm so mentally ill. Because of my borderline personality I build obsessions for people I love. Why was I born a diseased rat. Why couldn't I be born normal. I can't believe I'm obsessing over someone after we broke up. I feel like a disgusting freak. I cried so goddamn loud that my voice is shredded. I think I had a legit mental breakdown. For 30 minutes I cried. I screamed. Because I feel so helpless. I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know how to get rid of these obsessive feelings. If I don't, it will happen with all my future partners. I'm so frustrated. I am trying my hardest to improve. I'm working out, I'm journaling, I'm doing therapy, I take my meds, I make music. And it is never enough. I don't want to live the rest of my life in mental torment. Why can't I be cured. use this image on my obituary. its the best one i have of me.

not as dark as the other ones

enjoy

me and mary bell, the 10 year old serial killer, share a similar story of the abuse we faced. unfortunately mine lasted a full 18 years from many different people. sometimes i wish i grew up to be a serial killer, and i would just rot in prison to dissociate until i die. but i am not capable of hurting people. this is traumacore put into audio form. enjoy.

I have visions of God telling me to kill myself. To remove my body parts to makeup for those I've wronged. Like dreams but I'm awake and I know its not real

And I wrote a poem about it

I'd give my heart for you, I'd sacrifice my eyes

If it would ensure, you'd live a healthy life

As God looks down disgusted at me from the skies

You will no longer be burdened by my cries

My corpse rises to her feet, my ghost grabs her hips

I'm slowly dancing with my Post-Mortem spirit

Under a bloody moon, I imagine it's your hand I hold

You'll slowly forget me as I decay into mold

By God, that's what I've been told…

I've burned your smile away, consumed by my selfishness

I lower to my grave, please don't blame yourself for this

I've fought so many days, I hate to let you down

And it breaks my heart to be the reason that you frown

But that only means I deserve to drown…

A beautiful necklace made of filthy rope

A bracelet of knives exposing bone

A tortured woman with a child's soul

The flames of hell are my only home

An immense amount of pain and trauma poured into a blend of breakcore, industrial, and dark ambient.

Day after day, an invisible cloud of poison surrounds me

The incredible amount of shame never fails to astound me

No matter where I try hiding, the pain has still found me

And spreads like a plague to all loved ones around me

I tear my arm off, my skin tender and soft as bread

I break apart every bone beneath my wilted flesh

It's all I can do to escape my own sick head

It's either self inflicted pain or another shot at death

Please stop laughing at me…

I like to think that I give back the treatment I receive

So then why do I cause innocent people to seethe?

Maybe I'm more evil than I would like to believe

Maybe I deserve to be hanging from the trees

Exhausted, I don't have the energy to further cry

I've lost it, I was born with a horribly unstable mind

I'm tossing, misanthropic and sleep deprived

A faucet, blood pouring from this neck of mine

Stabbing, screaming, beating, burning, rape

Such horrible sounds that torment my fragile brain

I want to love, but all I've ever known is hate

My heart is trapped in a barbed wire cage

Dead trees beckon to me…