I try my best best to learn from all of my past mistakes

Yet I still find ways to live a life shrouded in hate

How can anyone bring themselves to look me in the face

I want to spread joy, but I'm only capable of spreading plague

Is this the reason that I was thrust upon this Earth?

Is my sole purpose in life to cause nothing but hurt?

I truly believe my rape was well deserved

Even if I was 4 years old, as I am now, it feels earned

If my life has been ruined then why bother living it?

Too cowardly to end it, I don't deserve to live, period

But instead I choose to remain a venom on this planet

A disease ridden vermin, poisonous and manic

I am nothing but the blackest bile from my mother's womb

I am worth nothing more than the eroded stone of my tomb

But don't worry, someday beneath the brightest moon

I will finally gain the courage to cause my doom

And the world continues to spin without me in it

Not a cloudy day, there is nothing different

This Earth is much better, there is less hatred

Now that I'm gone, in hell with my rapist

But look at my haircut

I will not let your shitty actions break me. My estrogen has me more empowered than ever. Ive cried it out every hour for 2 days straight. Now I will do what I can to move on. I will talk to more friends, I will draw, I will write, I will play games, I will create. I will not wallow in the pain your cheating caused

I brought a belt to the woods to hang myself. I pussied out like I always do. I went on the phone with the hotline. I threw my belt in the water and lost it. I came back home. My mom thinks I was just going for a walk. I guess I'll just continue with the cartoons and songs :/

I've done all I can. I've tried. And nothing is enough. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. If you don't hear from me I am dead. Not that anyone would give a fuck

Memories of you haunt me almost every day I awake

I have twisted fantasies of tearing the skin from your face

Nightmares haunt me ever since I started estrogen

I didn't realize the extent of the trauma I've been suppressing

Dreams of you breaking my spirit and taunting my soul

Beating my naked carcass at eleven years old

And telling me that I am nothing but roadkill

My corpse only serving as a punching bag for you

And you're not the only one haunting me

I can feel my inner child being further raped in my sleep

By one of my many other abusers, a family friend

Someone who got an undeservingly merciful death

I should have been given the embrace of death before him

Because he deserves to remain alive in pain, not me, I'm the victim

I'm the one who continues to suffer a disfigured brain

I'm the one who's being driven mentally insane

This life isn't fair…

And on top of that, after all the abuse I end up in a safe home

But I can't bring myself to love my new mother, I still feel alone

How selfish is it that I can't love the person who gave me life

Do I deserve the life you gave me if living is something I don't like?

My selfish brain chose to dwell on my previous family…

The only person I love is my romantic partner

But knowing they can't hold me makes it so much harder

Why is it only with them that I feel empathy

When my family and friends have only had my sympathy

And how can I learn to share this empathy with myself?

How do I convince myself that I don't belong in hell?

I'm terrified of healing because change is painful

And as much as I push through, my heart still feels fatal

I'll probably regret posting this here and delete it later like I always do. I wrote this song while crying hysterically

Is it desperation to cling to you as often as I do?

My self loathing isn't fair to put you through

I would drop all desires of vengeance towards my abusers

If only I knew how to do that, we could be so much closer

For you, I'd rid my heart of all evil

And all that's left is a wash of shame

I don't feel empathy for many people

And it's killing me to see you in pain

Tears drop down onto these words

Another poem I will dedicate to you

I wish we could both find a cure

You're my reason to live, it's true

And if my desire to leave this Earth

Ends up stronger than my love for you

Darling, please don't let yourself be hurt

I'll try my best to live, I don't want to do that to you

I will do the best I can for you…

i deleted all my art submissions that i feel are not "portal worthy"

left one up just for preservation of my old art style

my boyfriend has inspired me to get more into art

i will take it as seriously as my music which is both completely and not at all

i need more emotional outlets

and stuff like this is helpful for me

edit: and yes i will still shitpost