I have visions of God telling me to kill myself. To remove my body parts to makeup for those I've wronged. Like dreams but I'm awake and I know its not real

And I wrote a poem about it

I'd give my heart for you, I'd sacrifice my eyes

If it would ensure, you'd live a healthy life

As God looks down disgusted at me from the skies

You will no longer be burdened by my cries

My corpse rises to her feet, my ghost grabs her hips

I'm slowly dancing with my Post-Mortem spirit

Under a bloody moon, I imagine it's your hand I hold

You'll slowly forget me as I decay into mold

By God, that's what I've been told…

I've burned your smile away, consumed by my selfishness

I lower to my grave, please don't blame yourself for this

I've fought so many days, I hate to let you down

And it breaks my heart to be the reason that you frown

But that only means I deserve to drown…

A beautiful necklace made of filthy rope

A bracelet of knives exposing bone

A tortured woman with a child's soul

The flames of hell are my only home

An immense amount of pain and trauma poured into a blend of breakcore, industrial, and dark ambient.

Day after day, an invisible cloud of poison surrounds me

The incredible amount of shame never fails to astound me

No matter where I try hiding, the pain has still found me

And spreads like a plague to all loved ones around me

I tear my arm off, my skin tender and soft as bread

I break apart every bone beneath my wilted flesh

It's all I can do to escape my own sick head

It's either self inflicted pain or another shot at death

Please stop laughing at me…

I like to think that I give back the treatment I receive

So then why do I cause innocent people to seethe?

Maybe I'm more evil than I would like to believe

Maybe I deserve to be hanging from the trees

Exhausted, I don't have the energy to further cry

I've lost it, I was born with a horribly unstable mind

I'm tossing, misanthropic and sleep deprived

A faucet, blood pouring from this neck of mine

Stabbing, screaming, beating, burning, rape

Such horrible sounds that torment my fragile brain

I want to love, but all I've ever known is hate

My heart is trapped in a barbed wire cage

Dead trees beckon to me…

I try my best best to learn from all of my past mistakes

Yet I still find ways to live a life shrouded in hate

How can anyone bring themselves to look me in the face

I want to spread joy, but I'm only capable of spreading plague

Is this the reason that I was thrust upon this Earth?

Is my sole purpose in life to cause nothing but hurt?

I truly believe my rape was well deserved

Even if I was 4 years old, as I am now, it feels earned

If my life has been ruined then why bother living it?

Too cowardly to end it, I don't deserve to live, period

But instead I choose to remain a venom on this planet

A disease ridden vermin, poisonous and manic

I am nothing but the blackest bile from my mother's womb

I am worth nothing more than the eroded stone of my tomb

But don't worry, someday beneath the brightest moon

I will finally gain the courage to cause my doom

And the world continues to spin without me in it

Not a cloudy day, there is nothing different

This Earth is much better, there is less hatred

Now that I'm gone, in hell with my rapist

But look at my haircut

I will not let your shitty actions break me. My estrogen has me more empowered than ever. Ive cried it out every hour for 2 days straight. Now I will do what I can to move on. I will talk to more friends, I will draw, I will write, I will play games, I will create. I will not wallow in the pain your cheating caused

I brought a belt to the woods to hang myself. I pussied out like I always do. I went on the phone with the hotline. I threw my belt in the water and lost it. I came back home. My mom thinks I was just going for a walk. I guess I'll just continue with the cartoons and songs :/

I've done all I can. I've tried. And nothing is enough. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. If you don't hear from me I am dead. Not that anyone would give a fuck

Memories of you haunt me almost every day I awake

I have twisted fantasies of tearing the skin from your face

Nightmares haunt me ever since I started estrogen

I didn't realize the extent of the trauma I've been suppressing

Dreams of you breaking my spirit and taunting my soul

Beating my naked carcass at eleven years old

And telling me that I am nothing but roadkill

My corpse only serving as a punching bag for you

And you're not the only one haunting me

I can feel my inner child being further raped in my sleep

By one of my many other abusers, a family friend

Someone who got an undeservingly merciful death

I should have been given the embrace of death before him

Because he deserves to remain alive in pain, not me, I'm the victim

I'm the one who continues to suffer a disfigured brain

I'm the one who's being driven mentally insane

This life isn't fair…

And on top of that, after all the abuse I end up in a safe home

But I can't bring myself to love my new mother, I still feel alone

How selfish is it that I can't love the person who gave me life

Do I deserve the life you gave me if living is something I don't like?

My selfish brain chose to dwell on my previous family…

The only person I love is my romantic partner

But knowing they can't hold me makes it so much harder

Why is it only with them that I feel empathy

When my family and friends have only had my sympathy

And how can I learn to share this empathy with myself?

How do I convince myself that I don't belong in hell?

I'm terrified of healing because change is painful

And as much as I push through, my heart still feels fatal