Im angry. Im depressed. I dont enjoy being alive. And no matter who i tell, its always the same shit. Stay positive, its because of your meds, or some misinterpretation of everything i say. Im sick of this shit. Im sick of my body being tense all day. Im sick of being told to just get over it all day. Im sick of using all my strength not to scream out loud all day. Im sick of arguing with people in my head. All day. All fucking day it just doesn't end. Its fucking torture and when i scream fuck you at someone they have the nerve to be surprised when they're pissing me off. They're contributing to my pain. They wonder why people kill themselves, they wonder why people kill others, and then they do this shit to them.

I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of everything. I had to go to the bathroom at work because i didnt want anyone to see me cry. And i come out to tell AJ and he says the same shit they always say. Just stay positive. They tell me to stay positive without giving me a single reason to be positive. I gotg AJ telling me to just be positive, i got you telling me that im just complaining about hours when youre not the one being paid minimum wage to do hard labor, i have an absolute idiot telling me I'd feel better if i stopped my meds. Forgetting my meds for almost 2 weeks is half the reason i feel this way. And i honestly feel the other half is that theres plenty of truth to my thoughts. And everyone tells me im wrong. I make a lot of sense but nobody wants to admit it. You'd rather dismiss it as just another person who's a psycho off his meds. People wanna ask whats wrong and i tell them all my problems and have no answers. I get that not many people will have answers, but whats the point of asking me how i feel if the conversation always ends the same. And i know it always ends the same, so i avoid people. And then people wonder why i avoid them. They just say im antisocial as if its a bad thing. If it was a bad thing, why has it kept me alive for so long? I dont need people. I want people. What i need is help. And that's not gonna happen when people as a collective are too ignorant to know how to help. I was doomed to be born like this. To be born in a way thats "not normal." Normal people are generally the scum of the earth so why should i go out of my way to change who i am and be like them. It's not often that i collect my thoughts into something that is worded in a way that "normal" people can understand, because in the heat of the moment, im not capable of doing so. All i can do is tell someone fuck you or think about how badly i wish they would just kill themselves. Because thats all i can say to get their attention. Thats all they're able to see in me, is unbridled rage that they had a hand in creating. Anyway, i wrote for this long and i still dont feel better so im just gonna stop. Once again, i wasted my time trying to get my feelings out

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i hate my job

i wish i had the attention span to do it

the passion just isnt there anymore but i miss it

the drunk gecko

day 2 of my ban

im starving

havent eaten in months

i made a friend

his name is jack black

and he'll be my food source if i dont make it out alive

Im gonna steal some AIDS

I had sex with a fish. I really just wanted to see what it was like, I was bored. It tasted really good, it was like a seafood ceviche, I was like "Oh, I want another one" and he kept doing it to me. Then we got into the hot tub and he got some on me. I kind of freaked out because I was afraid it was going to smell like fish. So we just left and stopped by the store to get fish guts, then went to bed. Was it really awful? Is there any possible way to get out of this? Am I in trouble? I did have a shower before.

He visited my job today